Definin9 Me!

I often wonder if anyone else is in the same unique situation as my family? If so, I would love to connect; because as appreciative as I am to my parents for letting us stay with them, I so long for a space of our own again. I am documenting our story here as a means for me to express my thoughts in writing...this is such a big thing for us right now. Since, I am documenting my thoughts rather than writing in story form...this post may be a bit unorganized by way of numerous thoughts crossing my mind faster than I can type! This whole experience is mostly disheartening but also enlightening...it gives us a new perspective and we take much less for granted.

My husband and I grew up in the same small town. We started dating at age 15, continued dating long distance while we studied at different universities and eventually married. We envisioned staying close to home and raising our family; however, our careers brought us elsewhere. We were both fortunate enough to get stable jobs in each of our respective career fields. We bought a house we envisioned ourselves staying in for about 5-10 years before we would began to job hunt back home, and we had our first daughter Lilah. We had hoped to be raising Lilah back home near our parents, grandparents, and siblings, but we felt pretty blessed to have what we had...careers, family, and a home. We were after all only three hours away from our hometown. Like I said, we were planning on staying in our home for 5-10 years before we would begin to look for jobs back home. However, we traveled back home often. Both my husbands family and mine are very close knit and gatherings were plentiful. Anyone who has children knows how much work it is to pack up and go; even for a short weekend...pack n' play, bottles, toys, diapers, clothes. It got old, packing all that into our tiny car, driving the same 3 hour drive-or more if the baby needed to stop, and on top of that rotating where we stayed between my mom and step-dad's house, my dad and step-mom's house, and my in-laws to be fair to them. We were happy, and content and thrilled to have a second baby on the way, but we really longed to be back home.

Then out of the blue, a little over a year after we had bought our home Dan got a job offer back home. A company he interned with during college approached him and said they wanted him. We had a big decision to make. So we sat on the thought of moving back home for about 4 1/2 months, carefully weighing the pros and cons. Examining whether or not our choice would be sound for our family both financially, logistically, and emotionally; making sure we weren't moving primarily based on emotion. We had a comfortable amount of emergency savings in the bank in case one of us lost our job or encountered health problems, Dan had his new job, I was a teacher pretty confident I would be able to find a job, all of our parents offered us a place to stay until we bought our new home, and we even had an offer on our house. Everything was going our way. We decided to take an educated leap of faith and move back home!!! We were over the moon excited for new possibilities. We were all set to move into my parents basement (not as gloomy as it sounds) exactly one week after we had Amelia.

We had our sweet little Amelia, and that same week, the family that was to buy our home decided they wanted out of the contract. They found a different house they liked better. We were disappointed, but still hopeful. We had a charming 4 bedroom home, with an updated kitchen-stainless steel appliances, granite counters, cherry cabinets, a lovely wooded yard with a 5 minute walk to 3 parks, two ponds, the public library, and quaint downtown dining. The perfect combination of small city and suburban country. Not to mention we have the greatest neighbors (aka:surrogate grandparents, and young families)! So, the house was packed, Dan had started his job...this move was on!

Now, almost one year later we are still living in my parent's basement because our house still hasn't sold. So we have two families living under one roof. My family of four, my mom and my step-dad and their little boy who is; get this, is 1 year younger than my Lilah and 4 months older than my Amelia. Let's just say sometimes God has different plans for us and how cool, because my little brother (by 26 years) is so amazing! We are so appreciative of my parents for opening up their home to us for so long. They would never admit it if we were, because they are so amazing, but I very much feel like we are overstaying our welcome. However, we really don't have much of a choice. Fortunately, I did get a teaching job, but with Dan and my job combined we still can't afford to pay our mortgage and rent a place of our own.

We've tossed around the what-ifs so many times my head spins.
-What if we rent our house out, then can we rent our own place? - Maybe, but the terms of our mortgage don't lend themselves to renting very well, we can't afford the higher interest rates and closing costs to refinance and turn our house into an investment property, we really don't want to be landlords, and we would still need to sell our house in order to purchase a new one. (And when I say new, I mean previously lived in modest 3 bedroom ranch that we could make our own!)

-What if our house doesn't sell by the end of this year? -We are currently dipping into our emergency fund because both Dan and I make slightly less than we used to, we are now paying for two in childcare, a storage unit, utilities to my parents, and much more in fuel for a much longer commute to work than we used to have. (We did factor all of this in to our list of pros and cons in whether or not to move, but like I stated we had an offer on our house and even if it had fallen through our realtor and us were realistically optimistic our house wouldn't be on the market long---and then the housing market experienced a downturn.) Eventually, we may have to search for jobs back where our house is; but that would be very disheartening. I don't think we could ever try to move back home again if that were the case, and I would feel like I jipped my children of the childhood they could've/should've had. I already feel that way sometimes.

-What if, what if, what if...my faith in God keeps me going; I know he has a plan for us!

Don't get me wrong, I am blessed. My husband is amazing at calming my fears and my girls light up my world. We have a roof over our heads, are able to purchase the necessities, and we have each other! I sometimes feel selfish for feeling sad about our situation when I know that so many people have such bigger problems. I just feel so STUCK! We need our house to sell. I am trying so hard to stay hopeful, optimistic, to keep my composure, to keep dreaming about the future we envision, but some days are hard. Today was a hard day! My Lilah, she is fantastic, but she is sensitive. I don't think she gets it; it's hard on her...this whole sometimes we go upstairs to eat with Grammie and Papa and Uncle Axel and to take baths but then we go downstairs to our "home" (the kitchen is upstairs-we have a full bathroom with a shower downstairs, but the bathtub is upstairs too). She definitely gets that downstairs is our "home" and we try to spend most of our time down there just the four of us.

This is our "apartment" in the basement. There is a full bathroom with a shower and we have both of the girls crib behind the portable closet where there are another 2 windows. It is very nice, so I really shouldn't complain!

Things that I didn't realize would be hard for me before we moved in with my parents...

-not having my material things-selfish yes! I miss my holiday decorations (we take some out, but don't go all out like we usually would), I miss my silverware, I missed my wedding champagne flutes on our anniversary (we use them on that day), I miss my daughter's newborn portrait on the wall (in my parent's basement we only hang the children's artwork with blue sticky stuff). I miss decorating in general.

-cleaning on my schedule. I am a clean person, my house was tidy and clean, but if we were too tired to pick up toys or do dishes one night we left them for the next day. We don't do that here, out of respect we always do our dishes and pick up...unless we have a sick kid or extreme circumstance.

-doing laundry when I want to and returning baskets to the laundry room when I want to, this is not a luxury one has when they share a washer and dryer-gosh that sounds unappreciative. Really I am not...I realize my parents are giving up privacy and space for us as well

-seeing my husband more often. He has about an hour commute to work each way. He used to have a 5 minute commute..this means we see him almost two hours less a day and often times he gets home after we have had dinner. I miss having dinner together. (Once our house sells we will move to the city and this problem will be solved.)

-conversing with my husband about anything I want when I want. We aren't yellers by any means and don't really argue that often; but let's be real, all couples argue at times and it isn't really something you want to do in front of an audience and that goes for casual conversation that we just want to keep between us as well. (Again, I realize my parents sacrifice here as well) Fortunately, we all get along so well!

-not having a nursery to tuck my girls into bed each night

-not being able to put my toddler into a big girl bed because our bed is only a few yards away and she would be in bed with us every night for sure, and if she were to get up without us waking there is way too much that she could get into

-my child adapting to a new living situation in such a dramatic and anxiety filled way. I thought she was too young to be affected. Lilah was 15 months when we moved in and she has had a difficult time with change. Amelia who was only a week old doesn't know any different and is a very happy girly.

-raising our girls in a temporary living space for so long makes me feel as if they are being jipped of a typical childhood, or for what it should have been...this I can't really explain because it is what it is, we made this choice and now we need to make the best of it. However, they have grown so much since they have been here and we don't get to go back and have a redo. It is easy for us to say, when we get our own place we will_____. That isn't realistic though, we need to live in the present and live fully in a way that we would if we were on our own. Our little girls depend on us for security, consistency, love, and comfort! Look how they have grown...

When we moved in, Lilah 15 months & Amelia 1 week...

Now, Lilah 26 months & Amelia 11 months...

KEEPING PERSPECTIVE...
*as stressful as it is, this whole experience has really been one of growth and maturity

-we will have a much deeper appreciation for the security, freedom, and lifestyle that we will create in our new home

-we are stronger as a family; we realize that being together...just us, is much more important than any material thing

-we now realize how truly great we had it before we moved...we were longing to be back home in a "the grass is always greener" kind of way, but really we had everything we needed right in front of it and took it for granted more than we thought

We are blessed. One day everything will work itself out. God has a plan for us and I know that their is a family out there that is perfect for our home and will enjoy it as much as we did!

*Hopefully; very soon, I will come back and read this post with fond memories that this time of our life has now become our past!

But for now, I am enjoying my babies while they are little and creating the best memories I can for and with them! I really am blessed!

As cliche as it sounds, becoming a parent has been one of the most wonderful things in my life. However, it has also been the thing that makes me question myself the most. "Am I setting a good example?" "Am I truly present enough?" "Am I teaching them enough?" "Am I exposing them to a variety of sensory rich experiences?" "Am I guiding them to become kind, positive, confident, contributing individuals?" "Do I provide appropriate consequences/keep my cool/teach them the preferred behavior when they act out?" "Do I look into their eyes when I tell them I love them?"
~Sometimes, I haven't a clue what to do! (sigh) So, I just make the best decision I can in the moment and roll with it!

Before I became a parent I witnessed children do things and swore “my child will never do that”. I thought because I had a lot of experience with little children from babysitting, working in daycare, taking child development classes and becoming licensed in education for ages birth-8 that I would pretty much rock at being a mom and that solutions to challenges would come with ease. I wasn’t completely naive; I knew my children wouldn’t be perfect. However, in the short two years I’ve been a parent I’ve learned so much… my child will do things I swore they wouldn’t, I don’t always have the right answer, and sometimes I change my mind about the way I reacted to my child’s behavior. Not every second is pure joy- but every second is a blessing. The biggest thing I’ve learned is that I still have so much to learn and that I am so glad I get to experience it!

Me learning...

I've learned that it's totally cool to let your child dress them-self!

I've learned patience and humor are key when your daughter decides that her baby sister's formula should be sand for her ball pit! Oh yeah, and that I need to keep stuff like this in a locked vault!

Evidence of the above!

I've learned that I don't need to hover over my children every time their feet aren't planted on steady ground...this is hard for me-a work in progress!

I've learned that smiles can always brighten the room! ALWAYS

I've learned that I can pat myself on the back when my kids do something awesome-like playing together nicely and sharing!

I've learned that leaping on pillows can be much more fun than store bought toys!

I've also learned that it's okay to brag about things that make you proud, but it's most polite to listen and allow others do the same. These two sweet things...they make me proud!